Down with Gardasil!

There has been a victory in the war on terror: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, known as the "Prince of Al Qaeda" was killed by the Air Force in Iraq. He was considered the 2nd most important member of Al Qaeda, after Osama bin Laden, of course.

In other news, the FDA has made a decision that threatens to destroy innocence and personal freedom everywhere. A vaccine called Gardasil was approved for use today. This vaccine, made by Merck, is an abomination. It prevents women from getting the HPV virus, which can only be transmitted sexually. In other words, only immoral people are in danger of getting the virus, and they don't deserve to be protected from it. But, because the vast majority of people are ageist and unindividualistic, girls as young as nine, who might end up being celibate, will be forced by their parents into getting the shots.

Now, I already knew all of this, but here's something I had never heard before: the states will eventually be able to decide whether or not to make HPV vaccines mandatory in order to attend public schools!!!!! That's right, if a state votes in favor of this, everyone in the state will be forced to receive painful, dread-inducing shots for a sexually transmitted disease, even though there's a chance some of the people will remain virgins for their entire lives.

This issue infuriates me more than any current event I can remember. At least with gay marriage, which I consider despicable, the gay people are just being despicable with each other and not bothering anyone else. States' plans for Gardasil, however, smash the rights of celibates and are more oppressive than any idea Adolf Hitler ever conceived. Gardasil is an affront to logic, childhood, dignity, innocence, independence, individualism, freedom, and the Constitution of the United States of America!

Making Gardasil mandatory is, quite possibly, the worst idea I have ever heard. It is a Communist policy that reflects the evil philosophy of collectivism and has absolutely no place in America. George Washington, Patrick Henry, John Adams, and all other great Americans from history are most certainly rolling in their graves at the knowledge of this terrible monstrosity. Anyone who supports making Gardasil mandatory ought to be shot.

I vow that I will never in my life receive an HPV vaccine, and may God strike me down if I ever break my vow. If Gardasil is ever made mandatory in my home state of Massachusetts, which is frighteningly likely knowing how disgustingly liberal my state tends to be, I will fight against the vaccine with all the strength I possess. In fact, I will dedicate time and resources to combatting this abomination wherever it reigns, and all true Americans will, at least in spirit, join me.

In conclusion, I say down with Gardasil! Down with Merck! Down with the FDA! And down with anyone who supports making Gardasil mandatory, as anyone who supports that also supports the destruction of innocence, logic, and freedom everywhere!!!