A terrible milestone

Earlier this week, the U.S. death toll in Iraq reached 3,000. With all due respect to our troops, who are true American heroes, a far more horrible milestone was reached today: the U.S. population has reached 300,000,000. I am amazed at the lack of public outcry or even the slightest trace of unhappiness at this news.

Today, only 1 in 6 Americans has blue eyes, down from almost half in 1900. In my opinion, aesthetic principles dictate that at least 40% of any population possess blue eyes, that an equal number have brown eyes, and that the rest be made up of green, gray, and violet eyes.

I understand that America still possesses numerous open spaces, but I, unlike the defenders of population growth, would prefer those spaces to remain open. I believe that every person deserves a house, and since the average house is now shared by families of four, I believe the population needs to shrink by three-fourths.

Furthermore, population growth will decimate the Earth's resources. Mainstream environmentalists have it all wrong when they place an obligation on people to decrease their quality of life to conserve energy. It is young couples with babies, not those who take long showers or watch big-screen TVs, that are destroying the Earth. Reducing energy consumption per person can only go so far; population growth, if most people have their way, will never end. Furthermore, mainstream environmentalists' policies are an unjust attack on people's quality of life - there is a fundamental right to take half-hour showers and watch TV as much as one wants. There is not, however, a fundamental right to create new life. Clearly, the way to save the environment is not by obsessively monitoring each person's carbon footprint, but by making the number of people shrink.

Here are the things that must be done to get America's (and the world's) population under control:

• Determine the amount of energy that can be produced without using fuel up faster than it is being created. Build as many wind farms as can be built without a negative aesthetic impact, and use fossil fuels at the rate of a tiny bit per billion years, since that's how fast they are being formed. Call this answer #1.
• Determine how much energy a person should be allowed to consume. Be generous, as there's a basic right to take a half-hour shower every other day, heat one's house as high as one wants all year round, and watch TV as much as one wants. Call this answer #2.
• Divide answer #1 by answer #2. This is how many people there are allowed to be.
• Everyone must be celibate.
• The government must be responsible for reproduction. Babies will be created through cloning, in test tubes. The government should devote as many resources as possible to perfecting the technology of cloning. In the meanting, the population will start to decline, which is a good start!
• The government must ensure that the people are aesthetically diverse. 50% females, 50% males. 30% blond, 30% brown-haired, 30% black-haired, and 10% red haired. 40% blue-eyed, 40% brown-eyed, 10% green-eyed, 9% gray-eyed, and 1% with purple eyes or eyes two different colors. Etc.

Having read over the above list, I realize it sounds almost like satire. However, I am completely serious. Mindlessly accepting population growth will result in all of America becoming homogenized and suburban, will strip the American people of physical diversity, and will force people to live without privacy and without amenities such as television, heat, electricity, and showers. Americans must take a stand against this slow, mundane destruction and ensure that people will always be able to enjoy the fundamental rights to space, resources, and privacy.